Finals ...

Finals have been going suprisingly good ...
ive been getting good grades on them .. and im really happy ..

i joined a creative writing thing .. and i dont know if i should .. i feel like some times maybe my writing is super juvenile and stupid .. but then again ..i think im actually a good writer ..
im not looking to get famous . which is a surprise because a lot of people want to be famous .. but i just want to do it ..because i like writing .. enyway .. idk ..

me and my boyfriend are not doing any good ..
and ive developed a crush on someone else .. i feel sometimes that might be bad .. but at the same time ..idk ..i feel like this new crush is a good thing ..
i rilli like him .. and me and bf are not really together ..but at the same time we are .. idk ..
but yeah .. well .. dis new boy .. is white .. which is a big change for me ..but he makes me so nervous .. its actually the first time in a long time where a boy made my heart beat so fast and at the same time not at all ..idk .. but i feel like maybe i dont have a chance with him ..
idk what todo .. dese feelings are unfamiliar .. it hasn't happened to me in a long time .. and i dont know what to do .. its so confusing ...

well.. i just took my fascination for supernatural to the next level...

well.. first ..i just want to put out there .. ihave the biggest fascination for vampires and such things like that .. well for the supernatural actually .. but the big part of that is ..vampires.. i feel like they are real and its weird.. so people tell me .. but i nver really cared for what they thought .. and being one of those people who feels like there is something supernatural about me ..i want to know about everything well.. supernatural ..
ok .. sidetrack ..: im somewhat one of those people who can tell things are going to happen before they do .. and some might not believe me ..but i dont really care .. because i know its true .. because most of what i say happens .. i feel peoples pain when they get hurt .. before they even get hurt .. its weird and some of my friends get scared because ill start crying in the middle of no where because i know how they feel when they hit the door or fall down the stairs .. but sometimes their humiliation is much more worse than they're actually failure in coordination .. but yeah enyway .. back to my fascination with vampires ..
well .. so as everyone knows the movie twilight came out .. and for someone who likes vampires ..i had nver heard of twilight .. until my friend talked about it .. and wow when i watched it .. i fell in love with the main vampire .. edward cullens .. the movie took my fascination to the next level .. and i can't stop .. now im actually reading the book .. and starting to wonder .. if there are vampires out there.. are they like edward cullens? are there any like him .. and maybe im just looking too into the movie ..but when your fascinated by things like this .. its just too difficult to stay away from questions like the ones i ask...

i dont know what to do... things aren't goin great no more...

Before things were actually going good, but I guess that is how the beginning of every relationship is. Now, I'm just really sad all the time because of David. We've been together for a month now, and the last week has been the worst. We've fought numerous times, and I want it to be over so bad, even though i love him. I want him to go away, but i don't. He makes me miserable, because he says he loves me and he shows it a little bit, but not enough.
We fought over the stupid myspace thing again. How could a website make two people who supposedly love eachother fight so much. I try to forget about every fight afterwards, but when I start to talk to him, I feel all the anger come back. I actually thought that David would make me so happy, but he's not. The fact that he is not making me happy, is making my heart sink so fast. I feel like crying sometimes, because its just another failed relationship. I dont know if its me ,that just having high expectations or are they really just not that good of boyfriends? ..
I think im just having expectations and they can't come up to them.
I dont know what to say to David, because I just want some space, and then get back with him. I don't want him to go way. but I dont want him near me right now .. i feel bad about it...

weekend without my mom

this weekend was great ... (ish)
my mom went to arizona on a business trip and the house was quiet for a while .. which was great .. for my dad. my bro. and me .. and my friend .. haha ..we got to do what we wanted without her bitching the whole time about it .. it was fun .. but the whole time we were all gitin text messages from her and it was soo annoying .. we were trying to avoid her for like ever .. but she kept texting me and my dad telling us that my dad doesnt love her and stuff .. it was really annoying .. i dont understand her .. if my dad didn't love her .. he wouldnt have married her .. (its my stepdad).. he loves her .. i know it .. and usually im right about these things .. she is just so stubborn and is always looking for a fight all the time .. i dont understand how someone could live life being so negative .. she blames everyone for the bad things in her life.. and used to be angry at her .. but now ..i pity her because i know in the end she will not have anyone .. not me .. not my brother . no one .. and i know deep inside she knows that too...


on the other side...
my boyfriend and i are doing great .. i haven't seen him in a while .. but things are working out as of now ..i feel something is going to go on between us because a lot of my exbfs are coming bak .. or trying to come bak with me .. and there is one that i know will get to me .. because i still kind of love him .. =[[[

ok . i feel like i haven't written in forever ...

.. so i haven't written in i think a week .. so what has happend in this week? ..
hmm .. so me and my boyfriend are having problems now .. sadly .. in just a few short weeks things are already going downhill..first the whole mom thing ... now my love life or lack of love in the life is just the "cherry on top" .. haha .. idk .. i try not to be so sad about things like this .. but at the same time .. i am .. cuz i was actually really starting to fall for him .. and i dont what did we do wrong .. i dont know ..
i blame myspace haha .. cuz he says that this girl who is jealous of me keeps changing his myspace so that i will get jealous.. but he says he wasn't apart of it .. ... and its working .. i never really get jealous . but when it comes to him ..i am .. this has happend to me before when i went out with this one guys who was a model and a player obviously ..b ut iw as blind to it.. but i think i am "falling for him" .. sadly .. when he said i love you and he really meant ..i freaked out .. i almost broke up with him .. because im afraid .. of what? .. i have no idea ..
but after that incident a couple days ago .. i guess i been paranoid .. i think its cuz i was in love bfore .. or i thought i was and it was painful .. adn i dont want to go through that again ..and if it happens wit him (my current boyfriend) .. den i dont know what id do .. im still young ..but this whole " love" thing is already taking the worst toll on me ..

my abusive mother part 1

... ok .. yesterday my mom found out that my brother got a C+ on his Algebra test...
she flipped out on him and yelled at him so much ..i felt really bad ... i tried to protect him from her.. but she ended up putting all of that negative energy towards me... she asked me if i had seen the letter and i said no .. she then turned on me and yelled and said i answered her back .. i got so confused because she asked me a question so i answered . so i guess yes i answered her back .. but not in the way that she thought .. she kept making the issue so much more bigger than it really was ... but then again . im so used to this kind of stuff .. my mom always goes over the top with anger.. then again .. i was in and out of hospitals because of her abuse and all that stuff .. no wonder i turned out so bad ... last year .. i couldn't help but become the "black sheep" .. drugs and alcohol and sex over took me .. but it was only because it was my escape from HER.. and i feel bad because she is about to do this to my brother .. and i hope to God that this won't happen because it is just something that would be extremely bad for him .. because i know it was a bad experience for me ... ok .. bak to what i was saying ... she yelled at me and said that now i can't dance at my dance studios or my dance teams .. when she said those words .. my heart sunk .. dancing is the only thing in my life that really keeps me sane .. and she is taking it away from me .. i just walked out .. and she slammed the door in my face before i could leave .. she told my step dad that he can never take me to my dance lessons ... my heart felt like it was put into a blender and torn in to a million pieces .. i went up to my room and cried my eyes out .. it was probly the most i had ever cried since my dad had chosen his drugs over me .. an hour later .. i thought maybe she was just saying it out of anger .. but then she called me out and said .. "i emailed ur dance studio and said that ur off the dance team and ur done taking all of ur classes .. advance and regular... " .. my tears began to bubble up again and i felt sick to my stomach ... i didn't know what to do about it .. i went back into my room and tried to keep my composure . but i just couldn't .. i felt as if she took a spear and drove it through my body and impaled me .. i told my boyfriend bout everything and he was pretty angry about it .. but he already knows how evil my mother can be .. it sucks because im not even over exaggerating like some people do .. if it were any different i wouldn't want to ever call my mom evil .. but she just is .. she never doesn't treat people like humans .. she treats them like slaves or animals... i think something happened in her childhood... but enyway .. my boyfriend was really mad at her because she took away that one thing that made me the most happy ... i can't believe that a mother would do that ... so an hour after she said that to me .. she sent me a text message saying "i can't believe that you answered me back . you never changed . you are still the evil girl that you were last year. i should have sent you to jail or bording school when i had the change. you stupid bitch. i can never forgive you." .. when i read that i just felt all the hatred that i had forever before come back .. all that love that i have been trying to build towards her . is gone . because now i know that she hasn't forgiven me for those things.. if i haven't changed.. neither has she .. she is still the inconsiderate. evil. mean. overbearing. over the top . abusive mother that i had before...
and i feel so bad that my brother has to bear this ... at times i wish that she never made me and my brother because then we wouldn't have to go through this .. if someone was going to do this to their children .. then they shouldn't have had any ...

ok .. grr...

i feel so bad ..
im with "my boyfriend" ..
but i miss my ex.. Devin .. i actually loved this boy so much .. and it feels like i never talk to him .. ihaven't talked tohim in 2 months .. and it feels like forever .. =[[ ..
i feel bad .. cuz im with someone right now ... but i randomly thought about him today .. and it feels wrong cuz i want him all of a sudden .. but i have "my boyfriend" right now .. i dont know ..
RECAP .. Devin was the only boyriend i had dat didn't only want me for my body .. but he cared about me so much .. when i ran away from home .. he gave me shelter .. when my mom was hitting me .. and i left .. he was the one that let me stay with him .. he was the one who offered to come to my house and face my mom despite all the mean things my mom did .. he let me stay in his house . he fed me .. he helped me find my cousin so i could live wit her for a while.. he was always there .. and i feel so empty without him for some reason .. i didn't care about the fact that he might have HIV (he doesnt.. i saw the doctors note).. his parent's did .. and hetold me about it .. i accepted it .. and was ready to take whatever was going to happen because i love him .. and now he's gone ..
its so hard to come to terms with that .. and now he goes to the same school as my best friend .. and its just so difficult .. cuz now i know i might see him .. and i would fall so deeply in love with him .. just like before .. i can't have that happen .. because i have David (my boyfriend) .and i dont want to hurt him .. because im growing to love him too ... is it possible to love more than one man? ....